I think im gay but im married
by Fred Penzel, PhD
This article was initially published in the Winter edition of the OCD Newsletter.
OCD, as we know, is largely about experiencing severe and unrelenting doubt. It can cause you to doubt even the most basic things about yourself – even your sexual orientation. A study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that among a group of college students, 84% reported the occurrence of sexual intrusive thoughts (Byers, et al. ). In instruction to have doubts about one’s sexual identity, a sufferer necessitate not ever have had a homo- or heterosexual experience, or any type of sexual life at all. I have observed this symptom in young children, adolescents, and adults as well. Interestingly Swedo, et al., , establish that approximately 4% of children with OCD experience obsessions concerned with forbidden aggressive or perverse sexual thoughts.
Although doubts about one’s own sexual identity might appear pretty straightforward as a symptom, there are actually a number of variations. The most evident form is where a sufferer experiences the thought that they mig
I remember the moment it happened — the unattached spark that set my body aflame.
Cecelia stood behind me on the Pilates reformer and pressed her legs into my advocate , her hands into my shoulders. The strength of her long, lean limbs drove me into submission. Her perfectly-highlighted blonde hair tickled the back of my neck.
“Connect your pubic bone to your sternum. Hold it.”
Her voice was deep, throaty.
“Even while I’m pushing you — hold it. And breathe.”
But I could not breathe. There was no oxygen left in the room. It had been consumed by her feel, her fire.
Spontaneous combustion.
My chest heaved with the weight of this recognition. It felt simultaneously familiar and forbidden, known and mysterious, natural and foreign. I searched for wind as every nerve in my body shouted, This! This is who you are. This is who you’ve always been.
Out of nowhere, in an instant, she burned me to the ground, along with all of the preconceived notions I had about attraction and want.
***
I had married my husband, Charles, 25 years earlier, after seven years of d
Growing up in the Midwest, I knew about lesbians. They had short hair and wore flannel with Doc Martens. I didn’t. Therefore, I was direct. I was a certified Ally and wanted other people to be free to express their sexuality, but I was straight. I had boyfriends!
This didn’t change once I went to college. I was deeply interested in the campus Center for Social Justice, but the out lesbians that I knew still fit stereotypes that I didn’t. Even if one was femme, her companion was butch. None of them looked like me or tickled all my buttons. They were edgier, while I was basic. When a friend came out at twenty, I was impressed that she was brave enough to come out despite her advanced age. I thought that people knew at puberty which way they went. While I recognized that I thought some women were attractive, again, I had boyfriends.
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Dear Prudence,
I met my husband 13 years ago, and we’ve been together ever since. We fell deeply, madly in like with each other and have been married for nine wonderful years now. He’s patient, kind, gentle-hearted. He’s also always been honest about being homosexual and has never secret it from me. Only one of our common friends knows this about my husband. Our son also knows, since we thought it would be best to remain unseal with him about it, so he never “found out” by surprise or from our mutual comrade. Our son took the news very well and doesn’t care that his father was gay.
I’ve never told my family, or really any of my friends, as I believe they’d all be judgmental. My siblings don’t love my husband, but that’s a different letter